I Just Don't Know

I just came back from vacation and should feel great right? Well, a non-specific brand of melancholy or maybe just unease has settled into my body for which I have no rational explanation. While pulling weeds and watering my garden I muddled through my mind, turning over the random thoughts of discontent that floated between my ears.

The squashing of mud through my crocks and happy talk from my toddler did not seem to console me. As Ella ran around barefooted in her underwear chasing the cat saying, "Meow, meow, meow," louder and then quietly, alternating in her effect practicing her vocal skills, I tore out rip-gut brome, curly dock and Italian rye grass. They invade my landscaping no matter what I do. Plucking out the aliens from my beds did not seem to dissipate my malcontent or broodiness.

"I help you, MawMaw?" my bright cherub asked me. She has a joyful countenance which cheers all in her sphere. Moments of brightness and sparks of light come from her little aura. She can't help it. It is effortless for her.

"Of course, Ella Belle," I replied softly. She meandered in and out of my work area along our berm. I let her come and go as she pleased.

Drifting back to me, gravity pulling her, she questioned, "I water da poppies, MawMaw?" The sparkling girl came back after looking at some ladybugs and wanted help in her way.

"O.K. sure," I responded since I could not dampen her eagerness.

Back and forth the ebb and flow of our morning work was tidal. I know she will always come back to me again. My baby girl acts like our moon, a glowing satellite circling round her earth bound Mommy. She nears me and changes the flow of our little ocean, gently moving the course of our work.

Thusly occupied, my mind spinning in a planetary trajectory, I ran though the varied and fractured thoughts that were plaguing me. A day ago, my Gemma horse whacked a tendon somewhere and now needs to be wrapped and rested for MORE time off. Thus my monthly lesson is likely to be canceled next week.

Then I lamented the extra pounds that vacation gifted me, albeit back to my normal schedule they are leaving like a slowly moving fog. Lifting over the next few days, I think things will be back to normal on the scale of things. But chocolate is evil, that I know.

Later hanging laundry to dry in the wind and sun, I wondered if it was just that I was awakened by howling and screeching every two hours last night. Wyatt has a severe ear infection and is insufferable with his misery. I feel like screaming at the poor child, but maintain neutrality to the best of my ability at his lamentations.

However, being ripped from my sleep just as the weeds were torn from their earthy beds, I suffered root shock from his shrieking, "Mommy! My ear is popping. Can you hear it? It hurts!"

I don't enjoy hanging laundry. Too many pieces, not enough space, too much time. The lingering headache from Wyatt's screams was not helping my distaste for saving money...in this manner. I still refuse to line dry the socks and underwear and they go in the drier.

The bright sunshine and gorgeous weather has little effect, it just leads to the damned hot summer that is forthcoming. I have to shake off the gloom and doom somehow. But not being a person who is easily kept down or even so much as depressed I battled back the glowering in my mind since there is no rest for the weary.

I walked to the house so I could feed the little beasties their lunch before nap time. The steps to my house land on gravel base rock. I hate the rocks. Just one more thing to make me annoyed. They migrate onto my deck and in the house. I don't hate much but I hate that gravel.

Cooking lunch I pondered that maybe it is the economy, both stagnant and oppressive threatening to send us into the poor house. My little cooking angel dragged her chair over to help me with the preparations saying, "Kye schmell dat?" Then taking a big sniff declared, "Yummy! Kye taste dat?" The words "Can I" have somehow morphed into "Kye." She always brightens my day in a way that no amount of sunny weather can.

That voice in my head says, "The basics lady. Just the basics." We can feed our selves and have a place to live. Some folks are much worse off then us. There are a handful of bloggers whom I know have hit very hard times, so by comparison we are just fine for now.

We are not there yet, but if things keep on like they are, we could be in trouble eventually. That being said, Mike and I have discussed at length during our drive to Washington where we could relocate if the worst of worst happens. The emergency back up plan to date is liquidate and move out of state. Mike wants to move to Nashville, Tennessee for some reason that he can not lucidly explain. I do not like hot and humid. I would insist staying on the west coast unless some other overwhelming consideration could sway me to go elsewhere. So that being said, why do you like where you live and would you recommend us moving there?? And how are you feeling all this weight?

Hopefully, this moody spell will pass. It always does sooner or later. The circles go round and round once again...