Saturday, April 25, 2009

I Just Don't Know

I just came back from vacation and should feel great right? Well, a non-specific brand of melancholy or maybe just unease has settled into my body for which I have no rational explanation. While pulling weeds and watering my garden I muddled through my mind, turning over the random thoughts of discontent that floated between my ears.

The squashing of mud through my crocks and happy talk from my toddler did not seem to console me. As Ella ran around barefooted in her underwear chasing the cat saying, "Meow, meow, meow," louder and then quietly, alternating in her effect practicing her vocal skills, I tore out rip-gut brome, curly dock and Italian rye grass. They invade my landscaping no matter what I do. Plucking out the aliens from my beds did not seem to dissipate my malcontent or broodiness.

"I help you, MawMaw?" my bright cherub asked me. She has a joyful countenance which cheers all in her sphere. Moments of brightness and sparks of light come from her little aura. She can't help it. It is effortless for her.

"Of course, Ella Belle," I replied softly. She meandered in and out of my work area along our berm. I let her come and go as she pleased.

Drifting back to me, gravity pulling her, she questioned, "I water da poppies, MawMaw?" The sparkling girl came back after looking at some ladybugs and wanted help in her way.

"O.K. sure," I responded since I could not dampen her eagerness.

Back and forth the ebb and flow of our morning work was tidal. I know she will always come back to me again. My baby girl acts like our moon, a glowing satellite circling round her earth bound Mommy. She nears me and changes the flow of our little ocean, gently moving the course of our work.

Thusly occupied, my mind spinning in a planetary trajectory, I ran though the varied and fractured thoughts that were plaguing me. A day ago, my Gemma horse whacked a tendon somewhere and now needs to be wrapped and rested for MORE time off. Thus my monthly lesson is likely to be canceled next week.

Then I lamented the extra pounds that vacation gifted me, albeit back to my normal schedule they are leaving like a slowly moving fog. Lifting over the next few days, I think things will be back to normal on the scale of things. But chocolate is evil, that I know.

Later hanging laundry to dry in the wind and sun, I wondered if it was just that I was awakened by howling and screeching every two hours last night. Wyatt has a severe ear infection and is insufferable with his misery. I feel like screaming at the poor child, but maintain neutrality to the best of my ability at his lamentations.

However, being ripped from my sleep just as the weeds were torn from their earthy beds, I suffered root shock from his shrieking, "Mommy! My ear is popping. Can you hear it? It hurts!"

I don't enjoy hanging laundry. Too many pieces, not enough space, too much time. The lingering headache from Wyatt's screams was not helping my distaste for saving this manner. I still refuse to line dry the socks and underwear and they go in the drier.

The bright sunshine and gorgeous weather has little effect, it just leads to the damned hot summer that is forthcoming. I have to shake off the gloom and doom somehow. But not being a person who is easily kept down or even so much as depressed I battled back the glowering in my mind since there is no rest for the weary.

I walked to the house so I could feed the little beasties their lunch before nap time. The steps to my house land on gravel base rock. I hate the rocks. Just one more thing to make me annoyed. They migrate onto my deck and in the house. I don't hate much but I hate that gravel.

Cooking lunch I pondered that maybe it is the economy, both stagnant and oppressive threatening to send us into the poor house. My little cooking angel dragged her chair over to help me with the preparations saying, "Kye schmell dat?" Then taking a big sniff declared, "Yummy! Kye taste dat?" The words "Can I" have somehow morphed into "Kye." She always brightens my day in a way that no amount of sunny weather can.

That voice in my head says, "The basics lady. Just the basics." We can feed our selves and have a place to live. Some folks are much worse off then us. There are a handful of bloggers whom I know have hit very hard times, so by comparison we are just fine for now.

We are not there yet, but if things keep on like they are, we could be in trouble eventually. That being said, Mike and I have discussed at length during our drive to Washington where we could relocate if the worst of worst happens. The emergency back up plan to date is liquidate and move out of state. Mike wants to move to Nashville, Tennessee for some reason that he can not lucidly explain. I do not like hot and humid. I would insist staying on the west coast unless some other overwhelming consideration could sway me to go elsewhere. So that being said, why do you like where you live and would you recommend us moving there?? And how are you feeling all this weight?

Hopefully, this moody spell will pass. It always does sooner or later. The circles go round and round once again...


Anonymous said...

Geez, even when you're in a funk you still have brilliant writing. I love when kids have infectious personalities like Ella. Although, then on their bad mood days they can even spread that to others! That's how the 4 year old is that I nanny for.

Economy. How am I dealing with it? Well, we've always struggled and lived paycheck to paycheck, so this is nothing new to us.

As far as where we live-Rochester, NY. I don't recommend it. I hate NY weather. 6 months of cold cold winter and then 6 months of hot hot summer.

Hope you balance out soon! Try meditation!

The Mind of a Mom said...

I love the pics and stories, I am so going on holidays with you next time :o)

Suzi said...

Jeff and I have not had the conversation, however since we are all in it together it is something we need to discuss. I have only lived in Nor Cal and can say I love, scenery, but you already know that.

I feel your gloom also, just try not to think about it too much. Not being ignorant, just don't want to let it get me down.

Ella is a like a cup of cheer, no matter how down and out, she can always bring a smile....Thanks Ella.

the ungourmet said...

I have been in a strange mood of restlessness and discontent myself lately. I am not sure which direction to go right now. -Work, not work, go back to school?

We are extremely tired of Oregon and all of the gray days and rain. We long for sunshine. Moving is a huge cost though and would it really be better?

I wish I could help! I guess, just know that you are not alone in the way you feel right now!

I hope you find the answers you seek! :0)

Ratty said...

I lived near Nashville a very long time ago, and it was a nice place. I live in Michigan now, and I do not recommend anyone to move here. I think most people know how the economy is affecting us.

You tell a nice story. It reflects your mood well.

allhorsestuff said...

You are a very good writer there dear!
Funny you mention funk and gloom...I was driving today and talking to myself and critisizing all around me and I realized that a funk and gloom was hitting me!
I have been alone all week and the cat will not stay down..ounces all ove the bed all night ,ong anticipating her boy, my husband coming home...and he did not. I am tired and stressed on the money front too.
It will pass, and all these problems come and go al the never ends, but, it does not have to encompass everyday.Just today, I decided!

I will start to canter agaion this week..had an off week in the horse department as well..though a goodie ride Thurs. The video really showed some tales though!
I adore your Ella, sweet tea girl!

AMH615 said...

First let me say, your writing is wonderful! Now, are you PMSing? Hate to ask, but nothing seems right to me when I am. If not, from what I've read of your blog, I do believe this to shall pass. (Of course if it hasn't in a month, meds can be great - or so my best friend tells me.)
As for the economy... I'm thinking of cleaning houses. I have a relative that thinks she has a few leads for me. I'm going to have to do something, I can't seem to find the perfect office job. (The one that I had was perfect - dang them for closing!) We live in Kentucky and KY is actually very beautiful. There is such a variety, hills, meadows, forests, fields, and more. But the summers are HUMID! And everyone here has allergy problems, even ppl that never had them before they moved here get them. But we've lived here all our lives and all our family lives here, so there's no moving for us. Not that I'd know where to go to anyway.
Hmmm... now I'm feeling a little melancholy. Think I'll go pull some weeds!

Julia said...

Thanks all! And AMH, unfortunately I am not just PMS ing. That would my first answer but no... The rest of the day I pretty much felt fine. I think I just get pissed and angry after feeling gloomy so that mostly removes any down moods.

The economy has to get better at some point this summer. Really that is a lot of it for me.

Hibiscus Moon said...

Well, you've alwasy got your writing ability to fall back on! ITs probably just a spell and will blow over soon. Its all in how you choose to look at the situation. We create our own destiny.

You're lif right now soudns abolsutely blissfull to me. :)

I live in S. FL and I love it, however, its expensive here and jobs are hard to come by right now. The weather, surroundings and outdoor activities are heaven though.

Aunt Spicy said...

...I am sure it is the "just-got-back-from-vacation-have-to-face-reality-blues"...they will pass!

As far as moving...I am from SoCal and wish I had never left Cali. Period. I doubt I will ever get back there. Locations are different for everyone, but I would try to stay on the west coast if I were you. I have lived in Texas, Nebraska, Virginia. I like different things about each of those places, but my next move HAS to be anywhere west of the Rockies, I am just a west coast girl at heart. I will say, if I had a family I might not have left Omaha, fabulous place for raising a family...but not so great for being single!

Pricilla said...

Vacations can do that. Reality is left and worries disolve as you just have fun and revel in family.

The economy sucks. It HAS to get better. I refuse to think otherwise. Our plans have taken a massive turn but they did when I got sick and we made it through that.

I am glad you found yourself out of your funk. I find myself in them for the winters here as it is grey, grey, grey for about 4 months straight. Ugh. No one warned me about that when we moved...

I don't know much about Nashville. But I didn't know much about Montana either.

Olde Dame Penniwig said...


How about get yer head out yer arse???

LOL...just quoting someone's MEAN OL' HUBBY...

Honey, I know I have no proof, but there are things that mess up yer brainwaves, and they can give you problems, they can mess up yer thinking, like a virus would, and they cause melancholy. One thing that does this is vacations, the new sights get into yer mind and can cause it discomfort, and it takes awhile to sort of calm down, like the sea after a storm. But sometimes a vacation can CURE an episode of melancholy, too. It runs both ways. Spring also causes these episodes of melancholy, aka "Turnipitis."

Time will cure this melancholy. If you can, walk around a lot. Without the kids or husband.

Okay, as to moving, can't recommend Nashville but can recommend eastern TN, also go up from Nashville to Bowling Green, or consider Danville KY if you can take a bit more cold weather. Consider Texas, I could see you in several places in Texas, could see you in the beach area between AL and a bit past Pensacola, how big a town do you need, there is some mighty fine horse country in New Mexico but as a botanist I think that climate would break yer durned heart.

Julia said...

My husband is a bit of a stinker ODP! I get no slack from him but he does not usually even realize I am any grumpier than normal. I made some new curtains this morning and have been chugging along in normal mode. Industry is the cure I am sure!!! :)

Sarah said...

I am just visiting you for the first time on this blog, and I agree with all the other comments - you have an amazing gift of writing. How about some free lance work? Sounds like a fair amount of people like your writing style...

Now, as for where to live, how about South Dakota? We have 4 seasons, grasslands, hills, mountains, lots of mosquitos and gnats, tornadoes, blizzards, and a limited growing season. However, due to all those things, our cost of living is probably quite lower than that of California - and no income tax. So, check it out! :)

Hope this time passes quickly for you - sounds like your dd is going to help!

Mammatalk said...

Don't you hate those funky funks!? We all get in them. I always try humor and try my best to weed out those nasty beastly thoughts.

Grand Pooba said...

I always feel depressed after getting back from a vacation. Now I do like Utah, I complain about it alot but I hear it's cheaper to live here and I love the mountains! There's a house in my neighborhood for sale so come on over!

Frogs in my formula said...

First off, chocolate is not evil. Goodness.

Second, we are definitely feeling the weight. I've cut way back on frivolous spending but even then, it's still tight. It's discouraging but I try to concentrate on the amenities we have, like health insurance, money for groceries and new clothes, etc.

As for moving somewhere, I'd love some company in Mulletville! LOL.

Anonymous said...

Texas, Texas! Then we can still live in the same state together! And we can have apron parties and go forlong horse rides! =)

The Day the Swallows Came Home

The tree swallows are here already.  They arrived January 30 much to my dismay.  Swooping and calling and chirping their merry song over my ...