Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Rooster Report

I was finishing who knows what out in the field next to our house yesterday, and I looked over toward the chicken enclosure to see Wyatt and his cousin Trevor in the poultry pen. They were stalking some bird or another, but I really don't care anymore. If the hens have not learned to run from the kids by now, then they must suffer the consequences.

Then I watched the boys pivot toward Mr. D, the resplendent Danish rooster. Unaware of the fact they were being monitored, they had some form of mischief on their mind. As I peered across a span of 100 feet, I could see two parallel streams of yellow water arching toward the fowl bird. Yes folks, the boys were trying to pee on the rooster. It was funny, but I had to make them stop and see their evil ways while stifling my chuckles.

What is a mom to do? Cocks peeing on cocks. But never was there a better transition to bring up the topic of our roosters.

I have been waiting, or rather procrastinating, and dragging my heals in the mud with hopes that I would have pictures worthy of featuring our two beloved and adored roosters. And by beloved and adored, I really mean annoying and aggressive. Then there is this little voice in my head that says, "Yes, dumb ass. Roosters are supposed to try to kill you." In summary, they are turning into total a-holes. Yeah, imagine that. Mean roosters. Go figure. Again, my husband and brother-in-law revel in delight that "they" are developing territorial behavior.

First order of business is to discuss their personal appearance...

When the "foul-fowl" arrived we knew they were going to be ugly. We were warned they were shy a few feathers. But that they defined the term"eye sore" was another matter of which I was cogent upon their delivery. They were ugly. Beaten with a gigantic ugly stick ugly. And I aways wanted pretty chickens. I have since given up on this lofty dream of mine. I will settle for total skin coverage at this point. If they develop tails, that would just be a bonus.

Basically, our chickens have been poster children for Rogaine or feather transplants, or hair loss concealer that colored hair spray that stupid bald guys use to cover their dome. And by stupid bald guys I only mean those who think there is a chance in hell that hair spray will cure their ill fated genetic coding... Sorry bald men, I am just stating the obvious. There are those sexy bald guys like Patric Stewart and Yul Brynner, but our roosters are not in that league. However, I guess the likelihood of my offending bald guys is about as good as our chickens growing feathers since I only have female readers, of which I am aware.

But on to the roosters... One of our roosters was especially afflicted by a pronounced feather loss pattern across his buttock, legs and tail regions. Rhodie, affectionately named after his breed type, Rhode Island Red, was by no understatement the most bald of the motley menagerie. However, over the winter notable progress could be seen in feather growth across the obscene rear end of this fowl bird. I was getting my hopes up since it appeared that a toupee like carpet of auburn colored feathers hung over Rhodie's butt, looking like a good comb over. Did I just write good comb over?? Is there such a thing. I guess The Donald could take a few lessons from our birds. In summary, there are now feathers where there were none before so I have to take this as a good thing.

(Somebody asked why they have a lack of feathers and it boils down to pecking. The Danish hens peck the feathers off everybody...)

Here are some before and after photos to demonstrate my apparent frustration with my fugly roosters.


Below is what they look like nine months later.


Rhodie has coverage of his butt, but still has no tail...


The colorfully feathered Mr. D is at least trying to grow something from his ass.



Enough already about the physical...It what is inside that really counts.

Week by week, little by little, Rhodie the rooster has finally shown he has balls. They may be hard to see but they are undeniable there. Mr D established himself as fully testicled early after his arrival since he would periodically jump the kids just for fun.

Just last week our pair of roosters, Mr D. and Rhodie proved they can assert their manhoods in a new and deadly manner. I was told a little story by my SIL, Suzi (Savy Suzi), about some character development in our two adorable and affectionate feisty and increasingly territorial roosters. In fact, these mini pit bulls with feathers paired up for a mutant Ninja rooster style attack on poor defenseless Suzi. All they needed were little black masks and death star blades strapped to their spurs to make the picture complete.

I did some research on "ninjas" and found that they wear special slippers with a split-toe design that improves gripping and wall/rope climbing. They are soft enough to be virtually silent, thus decked out in some three-toed black ninja slippers these birds would have been impossible to detect... Suzi would have been doomed, but lucky for her the rooster ninja masters have not made it to our property yet...

Attack of the Ninja Roosters


The story goes like this:

Standing on the back porch Mr Ninja-D who is "skilled in the art of going unperceived," was quietly doddling around near the door. He was blending with his environment and trying to look like one of those painted wooden rooster ornaments you see in old country stores.

He was standing still, oh so very still. Suzi, blinded to the fact that a live rooster was guarding her door, went to enter the house. Biggggggg mistake! At the moment she went for the door, the ninja rooster awoke to blast poor Suzi's leg with a double spur attack.

Once and twice the violent spurring persisted, but Savy Suzi combated the assault with a Karate Kid kick sending the cockerel flying off the porch, tumbling head over heals down the wooden steps. Score: 1 for Suzi, 0 for rooster. Apparently, Suzi has been training with a master herself.

Since by definition ninja means, "one skilled in the art of stealth," Rhodie the cockerel ninja snuck up on Suzi in the chicken's pen with intent to assassinate her. She does after all steal all the eggs from HIS hens, so retribution was in order!

Sidling up to Suzi slowly at first, Rhodie inched his way carefully into an attack position. When he got within three feet of her legs he sprung in to action. Raising his hackles he charged Suzi, spurs flashing.

But
Suzi pulled out her own Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon martial arts moves to combat the assault. I think she actually levitated and did a cartwheel kick to send Rhodie flying backwards into the metal wire fencing. He bounced of the mesh and dusted off his feathers, still stalking Suzi but, was then aware of Suzi's Ninja prowess. Lets just call her Master Suzi, now. Score: 2 for Suzi, 0 for the roosters!

So you see, having roosters is just a lot of fun. And you just never know when that special attack will occur, plotted especially for you. It's nice to know you are loved by your chickens now isn't it!

I guess maybe those roosters deserve to be peed on once in a while...hee hee....

PhotoStory Friday
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

18 Comments for OSL:

Suzi said...

Straight from the belly LOL!

blueviolet said...

I had no idea roosters were such s.o.b's. Well, I did read about Suzi's drop-kicking experience but I didn't realize that roosters by their very nature are so horrid.

And ugly, you were right! They're pretty from midway up by their butts are not so glorious.

I see why the boys attempted to pee on them.

Yaya said...

Your writing is awesome! Love it!

That is HILARIOUS that the boys were peeing on the rooster! OMG I was dying!!!

And the "Where's your pants?" hahahahahah!

Great post!

Sharkbytes said...

Too funny!No wonder we have _____ envy... can't aim well!

Sharkbytes said...

OH... I came over to say that I gave you the ad for a month. You were the only one that even tried the contest. The winners are posted.

MsSnarkyPants said...

OMG You had me rolling! Roosters are evil! I hate them! And Ive never seen a pair as hideous as the ones you've got! LOL They are looking MUCH better now than they did in the first picture though. We had a cute little fluffy chick that I got for Easter one year turn into a demon cock fighting beast! *Grumbles about how she hates being attacked by roosters*

Hibiscus Moon said...

Wow, very funny sotry and amazing pics to go with it. They look like they've been cut in half...too funny.

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

Great story . . . and I haven't thought about Miami Vice in years!

sassy stephanie said...

Oh man how that cracked me up! I especially love your lead in, talking about the dumb chickens that should have learned their lesson by now. We were just laughing over the same thing here the other day. My three year old son loves to chase them.

Vixen said...

OMG, that is hilarious. And a little frightening. I was actually considering wanting a bald, ugly rooster until I found out about their ninja skills. I am over it now!

Let the boys pee on them!

Pricilla said...

Great! Our Rhode Island Reds arrive around May 1. THIS is what I have to look forward to?! Thanks oh so very much.....

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

Now why is it the 5th and I'm just now getting an update in my "Dashboard" ??? Late to the party...

Honey something is just plain wrong with those poor roosters. Whatever affected their tails evidently has affected their MINDS.

jane augenstein said...

Funny story, ugly rooster butts! I don't remember the old rooster I had years ago loosing his feathers; I'm sure he did I just don't remember. He was a real mean rooster and he got me one too many times! The last attack was HIS last attack; wrung his damned neck and he went into the pressure cooker. He was a tough old bird but.......I enjoyed every bite!

Julia said...

Jane-Apparently our chickens have some feather growth deformity... just kidding. We were never able to determine why they did not grow well from the get go. Our inlaws think it was the feed. I think the Danish hens are so pecky they have plucked all the rear feathers out. Regardless this seems to be a problem isolated to our chickens...

Granola Mom said...

Ha! What a great story!

Frogs in my formula said...

This was hysterical. I love the pictures! My dad grew up on a farm and has told me about the rooster who hated him and attacked him when he tried to feed him. Now I believe it!

mbduke said...

Only boys would find sport in peeing on things. Love the "excuse for a tail" on the rooster. Hilarious post. You really had me laughing.

Grand Pooba said...

Cocks peeing on Cocks, the highlight of the post right there!

lol!