The Rooster Report

I was finishing who knows what out in the field next to our house yesterday, and I looked over toward the chicken enclosure to see Wyatt and his cousin Trevor in the poultry pen. They were stalking some bird or another, but I really don't care anymore. If the hens have not learned to run from the kids by now, then they must suffer the consequences.

Then I watched the boys pivot toward Mr. D, the resplendent Danish rooster. Unaware of the fact they were being monitored, they had some form of mischief on their mind. As I peered across a span of 100 feet, I could see two parallel streams of yellow water arching toward the fowl bird. Yes folks, the boys were trying to pee on the rooster. It was funny, but I had to make them stop and see their evil ways while stifling my chuckles.

What is a mom to do? Cocks peeing on cocks. But never was there a better transition to bring up the topic of our roosters.

I have been waiting, or rather procrastinating, and dragging my heals in the mud with hopes that I would have pictures worthy of featuring our two beloved and adored roosters. And by beloved and adored, I really mean annoying and aggressive. Then there is this little voice in my head that says, "Yes, dumb ass. Roosters are supposed to try to kill you." In summary, they are turning into total a-holes. Yeah, imagine that. Mean roosters. Go figure. Again, my husband and brother-in-law revel in delight that "they" are developing territorial behavior.

First order of business is to discuss their personal appearance...

When the "foul-fowl" arrived we knew they were going to be ugly. We were warned they were shy a few feathers. But that they defined the term"eye sore" was another matter of which I was cogent upon their delivery. They were ugly. Beaten with a gigantic ugly stick ugly. And I aways wanted pretty chickens. I have since given up on this lofty dream of mine. I will settle for total skin coverage at this point. If they develop tails, that would just be a bonus.

Basically, our chickens have been poster children for Rogaine or feather transplants, or hair loss concealer that colored hair spray that stupid bald guys use to cover their dome. And by stupid bald guys I only mean those who think there is a chance in hell that hair spray will cure their ill fated genetic coding... Sorry bald men, I am just stating the obvious. There are those sexy bald guys like Patric Stewart and Yul Brynner, but our roosters are not in that league. However, I guess the likelihood of my offending bald guys is about as good as our chickens growing feathers since I only have female readers, of which I am aware.

But on to the roosters... One of our roosters was especially afflicted by a pronounced feather loss pattern across his buttock, legs and tail regions. Rhodie, affectionately named after his breed type, Rhode Island Red, was by no understatement the most bald of the motley menagerie. However, over the winter notable progress could be seen in feather growth across the obscene rear end of this fowl bird. I was getting my hopes up since it appeared that a toupee like carpet of auburn colored feathers hung over Rhodie's butt, looking like a good comb over. Did I just write good comb over?? Is there such a thing. I guess The Donald could take a few lessons from our birds. In summary, there are now feathers where there were none before so I have to take this as a good thing.

(Somebody asked why they have a lack of feathers and it boils down to pecking. The Danish hens peck the feathers off everybody...)

Here are some before and after photos to demonstrate my apparent frustration with my fugly roosters.

Below is what they look like nine months later.

Rhodie has coverage of his butt, but still has no tail...

The colorfully feathered Mr. D is at least trying to grow something from his ass.



Enough already about the physical...It what is inside that really counts.

Week by week, little by little, Rhodie the rooster has finally shown he has balls. They may be hard to see but they are undeniable there. Mr D established himself as fully testicled early after his arrival since he would periodically jump the kids just for fun.

Just last week our pair of roosters, Mr D. and Rhodie proved they can assert their manhoods in a new and deadly manner. I was told a little story by my SIL, Suzi (Savy Suzi), about some character development in our two adorable and affectionate feisty and increasingly territorial roosters. In fact, these mini pit bulls with feathers paired up for a mutant Ninja rooster style attack on poor defenseless Suzi. All they needed were little black masks and death star blades strapped to their spurs to make the picture complete.

I did some research on "ninjas" and found that they wear special slippers with a split-toe design that improves gripping and wall/rope climbing. They are soft enough to be virtually silent, thus decked out in some three-toed black ninja slippers these birds would have been impossible to detect... Suzi would have been doomed, but lucky for her the rooster ninja masters have not made it to our property yet...

Attack of the Ninja Roosters

Thank Ye Olde Dame Penniweg!

The story goes like this:

Standing on the back porch Mr Ninja-D who is "skilled in the art of going unperceived," was quietly doddling around near the door. He was blending with his environment and trying to look like one of those painted wooden rooster ornaments you see in old country stores.

He was standing still, oh so very still. Suzi, blinded to the fact that a live rooster was guarding her door, went to enter the house. Biggggggg mistake! At the moment she went for the door, the ninja rooster awoke to blast poor Suzi's leg with a double spur attack.

Once and twice the violent spurring persisted, but Savy Suzi combated the assault with a Karate Kid kick sending the cockerel flying off the porch, tumbling head over heals down the wooden steps. Score: 1 for Suzi, 0 for rooster. Apparently, Suzi has been training with a master herself.

Since by definition ninja means, "one skilled in the art of stealth," Rhodie the cockerel ninja snuck up on Suzi in the chicken's pen with intent to assassinate her. She does after all steal all the eggs from HIS hens, so retribution was in order!

Sidling up to Suzi slowly at first, Rhodie inched his way carefully into an attack position. When he got within three feet of her legs he sprung in to action. Raising his hackles he charged Suzi, spurs flashing.

But Suzi pulled out her own Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon martial arts moves to combat the assault. I think she actually levitated and did a cartwheel kick to send Rhodie flying backwards into the metal wire fencing. He bounced of the mesh and dusted off his feathers, still stalking Suzi but, was then aware of Suzi's Ninja prowess. Lets just call her Master Suzi, now. Score: 2 for Suzi, 0 for the roosters!

So you see, having roosters is just a lot of fun. And you just never know when that special attack will occur, plotted especially for you. It's nice to know you are loved by your chickens now isn't it!

I guess maybe those roosters deserve to be peed on once in a while...hee hee....


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