Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sir Mix-A-Lot is Alive and Well in my House

I am so over my post traumatic vacation disorder that it is hardly worth mentioning. Nothing like industry and a lunatic kid (my son Wyatt) to make me forget any wrongs in the world and focus on the present.

Wyatt has been up to his worst. While in time out today for his ludicrous antics, spastic behavior, and name calling, he starts singing, "I like big butts and I can not lie..." Laughing hysterically at his own vocal prowess, I sighed deeply wondering if there is any hope for this child.

Then to make things more annoyingly worse my baby Ella starts in singing with him in her innocent wee toddler voice, "I wike big butts, I canot wye." Then she giggles in little fits while I resist the urge to pummel her brother.

In my head I am screaming at my husband who has been periodically chanting this once popular hip hop song as he walks around the house aimlessly indoctrinating my children with the verses.

I can't help but feel this song and the particular lyric is directed at me, and not in a good way. And for the record, I wear a size 12 pants and am just shy of 6 feet tall. However, I do not feel I have an abnormally sized buttock. I think I have a normal buttock to height ratio, but I could be wrong. Just being called big butt is disturbing on some level or another.

This is a picture that Wyatt took of my butt while he was on a wild photo shooting spree a few months back. I knew there was a reason I did not delete it. I needed some evidence!

Oh, before I forget. YES, Frogs in Your Formula, chocolate is the root of evil. Frogs and I have had a recent disagreement about "chocolate." And I am convinced that SIL, Suzi at Savy Suzi and her accomplice Cookie Girl are conspiring to put me in a size 14 via chocolate poisoning.

Yeah, I am that serious. Just eliminating my chocolate consumption to 0 as in zero or only one piece daily has resulted in the loss of 4 lbs of weight in a 6 day period. But I digress. I still maintain that I do not have an butt that would make anyone say OMG, she has a big butt and I can not lie...

Anyway my dearest and loving spouse and I have confrontations about what he thinks passes for human language. I am guessing my verbal standards are slightly higher than normal but why should I not expect my husband to rise to the occasion in parenting? Sadly, lets just say Mike has no filter between his brain and mouth and it results in some things getting through that just should not be said in front of kids.

Mike and I have had numerous conversations about his unsuitable topics and specific wordings and how it effects the kids vocabulary. This is pretty much what it is like every single stinking time. And by stinking I really mean F-ing.

I say, "Mike, do you even hear what you are saying right now?" Of course you must imagine me saying this in the annoying wife voice that all men hate.

Mike's response is, "Wha?"

The wife replies, "Um, let's see here.... You are singing Sir Mix-a-lot and chanting about big butts. Does this not occur to you? Your kids can hear you and repeat everything you say!!!!!"

Mike's response is, "Huh?"

My irate finale is, "Dude. Stop. It. Now. I don't need Ms. Cindy (Wyatt's preschool teacher) reporting to me how Wyatt is telling the 4 year old girls how he likes "big butts." SERIOUSLY Quit it."

"Oh they don't listen to me anyway," Mike finally replies with a nonchalant wave of his hand and shrug of his shoulder. Basically, he is dismissing my implication of his guilt in our children's non standard language edification.

"When the principal calls us from Kindergarten, you know, real school, YOU are going to be the one getting off work to deal with the situation. I will not be going to school on behalf of you. YOU can explain it all to the school staff," I retaliate vehemently.

Then Mike replies, "OK. No problem."

He makes me ill some times.

And on a totally random side, Suzi sent me this and I thought I would answer for the world to see.

Three names I go by
1. Julia
2. mom
3. neighhhhh!

Three jobs I have had in my life
1. Biological Consultant
2. ice cream scooper
3. flower delivery woman

Three places I have lived
1. Honolulu, Hawaii
2. Mountain View, CA
3. Davis, CA

THREE TV Shows that I watch
1. American Idol
2. Ugly Betty
3. Ummmm do Blogs count?

Three places I have been
1. Hoover Dam
2. New York City
3. Anzo Borego Desert

Three people that e-mail me regularly
1. Suzi
2. Kirra
3. Aunt Karen

Three of my favorite foods
1. Broccoli
2. Brussel Sprouts
3. Spinach

See I am taking this no chocolate thing really seriously.

Three things I am looking forward to
1. Wine and Cheese pairing party this weekend
2. Going to a horse show this summer
3. Some day having a bigger house

That's all folks. Keeping it light tonight!


Concentrationally Challenged said...

Hi Julia,

I sympathize. Our kids, having watched the "karaoke dance party" at the end of the movie Shrek WAY too many times, have big butts on the brain too. Thankfully, that little medley only features the first line of the song, but still...

Brussels Sprouts, eh? Got a great recipe? My wife and I hated them as kids, but I'd try them again if pointed in the right direction.

Love your blog,


Five O'Clock Somewhere said...

What an entertaining post! I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of your kids singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"

Men! Can be so frustrating getting through to them sometimes.

the ungourmet said...

I cannot believe your butt is on here! You are too funny!

It's amazing just how much my kids do catch, even when I am whispering!

Julia said...

UG-I totally started laughing when I realized that my butt would be on somebody's side bar if they have the photo portion activated on the blogs they like. I was cracking up for five minutes. I guess I did not think this one through so well. Hee hee.

Suzi said...

Have you seen the comercial that is a rendition of Big Butts? It says "I like butts and I cannot lie", the boys laugh hysterically at it.

I would like to note that you don't have a big butt, any consolation....mine is bigger.

Suzi said...

That's "I like square butts I cannot lie" it left it out for some reason.

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

I thought buttocks was one of those words that is always plural. I had no idea there was a singular version of it, despite reading before in this blog about the cat's (allegedly) smelly "buttock," and evidently yer husband was at the bottom, if you will excuse a pun, of THAT word being in your son's vocabulary, too...but isn't buttocks a plural? In Candide, that poor woman had to sacrifice ONE of her BUTTOCKS to feed the soldiers during the siege...of was it termed BUTTOCK? Now I can't rest until I find out...you do NOT have a big butt, by the bye...

Julia said...

ODP-I am sure you are correct in your astute assessment of buttock as plural. I guess I have been so contaminated by the improper word use around here that I have succumbed to the tyranny.

The Cookie Girl said...

You crack me up! Very brave posting your Butt picture. LOL

Chocolate is NOT the DEVIL, Mama

I just love Water Boy....not sure why I thought of that. LOL

Conspiracy? Well....Maybe. We will never truly admit that. hehehe

Pricilla said...

Hey, it is better than pasty butt!

karenscarvie said...

I can testify that the dialog between you and Mike is absolutely authentic, true to form, and, well, for me . . . endearing. I maintain that Mike is a keeper. After all, he mowed my entire lawn–no small task–and helped me plant flowers. As a token of my gratitude and in observance of his being on vacation I let him get out of building that shed. Your Devoted Auntie Karen

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

I'm officially going to start emailing you daily just so that I can be on that list next time.

mbduke said...

Aren't husbands infuriating? I can totally relate. BTW, my blog has a discipline system that I posted a few days ago. Check it out and see if you get any good ideas.

Grand Pooba said...

I love that you posted a pic of your butt! You've got a cute little ass! And I don't mean that in a weird way, us tall woman have different ratios then those teeny little shorties!

Ratty said...

A dad's job is to say a few slightly inappropriate things around the children, so the mom can teach them when not to say those things themselves. If you think of it that way, it works out well in the end.

Yaya said...

*Gasp! I thought you gave up tags and awards forever? ;)

I think that big butts song was also in one of the madagascar movies recently. So I'm sure your kid is not the only one singing it. Don't worry.

xashee's corner said...

well, i just spent the last, what is it, about an hour now, enjoying you and your blog! :) Found you thru Penniwig's blog and sure glad i did! :) i soo enjoy the way you write and thank you so much for ALLLLL that you share!! :) Have a BEAUTIFUL day! :)

The Mind of a Mom said...

You need to record her singing and share with us. :o)

Mountain Woman said...

I love visiting here because of Wyatt and Ella and because I know they will absolutely always keep me entertained. I'm so envious that you are still at that stage in your life where you have young demons in your house.
By the way, your butt, to me looks A OK.

Julia said...

Thanks Red! Entertainment is always a hopeful consideration. :)

Sharkbytes said...

You are certainly one of the bravest gals I know, to actually post a picture of your butt! (Doesn't look big to me). Wyatt needs chocolate... smeared on his eyeballs! (just kidding)

Julia said...

Sharkebytes-I have know to be fearless from time to time. And Wyatt would love to be covered in chocolate. He is a treat hound. Makes me crazy among other things.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I'm feeling a little like I could have written the same exact conversation! Grrr, my husband does the same thing - poop and fart being two words he puts into every conversation and Monsoon has already gotten in trouble at preschool for starting a "poop" riot - all the kids running around the room yelling "poopy!poopy!poopy!"

At least the song has a good beat... although that's probably not much consolation when the beat's coming from your young child.

tami said...

i laughed cuz my children sing that song too!! :)

EL said...

almost 6 feet?!? I'm terribly jealous! i'm 5'2 1/2 - see, thats half is so important i always include it ha... nevertheless, i've learned to live looking up:)

hannie said...

Ran across your blog searching chickens. I'm the dad that cooks and raises chickens. I buy unsalted butter too!

I say inappropriate things around the kids, but I always hug them before and after.

Anyway. Back to making bread and checking the chicken incubator. I've got 40 to hatch before Christmas.

And. Shoot. Forgot to rinse the sprouts.

Love your blog, keep on with it.

Concord Carpenter said...

ok that was funny! BTW Where can I get one of those filters?

p.s. - nice butt!

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