Friday, June 12, 2009

Jail Break June 2009

Wanted, Preferably Alive:

Criminal Equine Responsible for Instigating a Jail Break and Committing a Willful Act of Property Destruction.

Gemma. Large bay mare. Five years of age. Questionable parentage of mixed European descent. Eats voraciously. Loves to Party and Meet New MEN. Last seen acting like a sorority girl at fraternity party, keg tapped and beer freely flowing. Likes men with a Swedish accent.

Members of the jury, this is my mare Gemma, who I saw upon my awakening this morning, running through the orchard behind my house. Tail held high, strutting like a stripper at naughty gentleman's club, I saw her doing a slow passage past my kitchen window. Great...

Then the second fugitive was spotted. Alfie, the senior equine on our property, was enjoying some liberty from his solitary confinement.

The figure below exhibits the crime scene, as I found it this morning. You will observe the "Point of Escape" in Gemma's field. The evidence suggests that she BROKE through the hot wire fence in a heat of passion snapping it cleanly in two. I believe the fugitive may have been armed with scissors due to the clean severing of the fencing.

Her destination: Alfie's field.

Gemma loves Alfie. Especially when she is in heat. So escaping from her confinement she made her way to Lover's Lane positioned in between Alfie and Sharpie/Max's pen. While I did not see any happenings, I found skid marks impressed by large equine footprints on the EXTERIOR the fence line along Lover's Lane. The evidence leads to much frolicking in this region.

The Unwilling Accomplice: Alfie, Swedish Male, 24 years old. The retired gentleman who was the object of somewhat undesired attention is Alfie. He is a parlor border at our compound. While he no longer enjoys the pandemonium associated with youthful indiscretions, an occasional foray to the wild side suits him well. He has been observed to partake in flirtatious activity with Gemma in the past, but only for a limited time as he tires of her quickly.

I discovered the point of "break in" where Gemma ripped down the fencing in Alfie's paddock. Apparently, Gemma was not satisfied with the attentions she was receiving from across the fence decided to take matters into her own hands. If you note in the upper right hand corner of the figure "Crime Scene" above, there is an arrow pointing to the location labeled "Second Fugitive Freed Here" which is where the fence was torn down by the anxious and over sexed equine felon, Gemma.

How does Gemma tear down hot wire fencing you ask? I have seen the criminal in action and she simply paws it until it breaks. That is when the electrical current is turned off. Such as the case was during this particular break out situation. Normal maintenance in the horse area resulted in the scheduled interruption in power to the fencing. Said electricity was not turned back on in the time period proceeding the maintenance. Thus, the convict tested the fence for conductivity in the wee hours of the morning and finding it "not shocking" escaped to create pandemonium.

It appears that Alfie, enticed by the young lady with dark brown eyes, followed Gemma on a free for all around the orchard. By the time the fugitives were apprehended, Alfie showed no interest in Gemma whatsoever. The fact is, a 75 year old male would likely have a difficult time keeping up with a 15 year old female. For those are the human age equivalents for this pair of unlikely accomplices. Poor Alfie's stamina is just not what it used to be and I am guessing that after 1o minutes of a fluttering heart and a pushy broad, he decided to nibble at some dried grasses.

Some time during these illicit and illegal activities the fencing in Sharpie and Max's pen was torn down. However, these two upstanding and law abiding citizens did not attempt to defy the authorities and contribute to the rein of terror on the property. They are highly fearful of the hot wire fencing and it is NOT an object which they wish to challenge. But let it be noted that the fencing was ripped from the insulators in the corner labeled "Site of Attempted Break Out." It lay on the ground in the field. Although the electricity was off and they could have walked over it, the boys would not test it's power. My suspicion is that the ring leader and top conspirator, Gemma, made her best efforts in freeing her comrades, but thank goodness fell short of completing this task.

After the fugitives were apprehended and locked in solitary confinement within their respective cells, I went to investigate the crime scene further. Upon arrival at Gemma's field and making observations, I discovered THIS heinous crime!!!

I give you Exhibit No. 1 which shows the savage defacement of landscaping!!!! This is an act against botany of an unforgivable vein. To remove the bark from a tree could potentially kill it. Now in addition to running from the law and freeing other inmates, Gemma is guilty of attempted murder with a lethal weapon.

Please observe the details in Exhibit No. 2. I ask you, the jury, to study closely. This is the damage caused by large equine incisors against the bark of a tree. This is a crime against Sycamores. It is brutal and crewel. Obviously, mayhem and destruction was rampant during the early morning hours on our property.

Recovery is a long and arduous process which takes sometimes years. Reformation of bark and the vascular tissues is essential for the tree to remain healthy!

Now I would like to present Exhibit No. 3 for inspection.

Let the record show this exhibit of a cottonwood the tree which was brutally attacked in the summer of 2008. It is still recovering from it's wounds but luckily has not succumbed to death as a result of the vicious mauling. This crime of tree gnawing is one which Gemma has been found positively guilty of committing.

The criminal has defaced and defiled private property in the past and with a record of this kind of naughty activity the three strikes rule may apply for future transgressions.

As a result of previous destruction caused by said equine defendant, Gemma, the warden has implemented a tree protection program to shield the victim from further battery.

Please study Exhibit No. 4 below which shows the extensive hot wire safety system. It is designed with state of the art materials including baling twine. Additional premeditated attacks are deemed unlikely with this new and improved security system.


Here is the last piece of evidence. I present the gate location where all this chaos began. The damages here were repaired by the Break Out Maintenance Crew. The barrier to movement at this location formerly consisted of a single strand of hot wire of a smaller width and fewer number of electrically charged wires. Now a double strand of wires has been installed to prevent further escape plans by the rogue mare.

As a last note, I present the gang of 3. Jury please consider the nonchalant, glazed look on the face of the bay mare. I am wondering if her comrades in orange did not put her up to this crazy stunt. Maybe they taunted her such that she had no other choice than to prove her self. They say the hazing in jail is terrible and the two in the orange jump suits here may just have pushed Gemma over the edge. Can she plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity?

Or did she act alone, taking the rest of the herd down with her?

The evidence has been presented and it is for you the jury to decide...Is Gemma guilty or not guilty of acts against equine law!

The warden says, "GUILTY AS CHARGED!"

PhotoStory Friday
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek


Sara said...

In defense of Gemma, the contractual agreement between her and the maintenance crew was null and void for their obvious lapse in completing the assigned scope of work. Not guilty per Tort Law, negligence on behalf of the plaintiff. Sorry!

Wonderful post! Loved it! I've had horses get loose. The one kicked me when I tried to corral him and once I was on Quincy and Black Gold charged us. BG got by us. We were chicken butts.

Suzi said...

I say "GUILTY AS CHARGED!" She coudn't have had a momentary lapse in sanity.

I enjoyed they lawyering in this post. You presented the evidence quite well.

Anonymous said...

Gemma is a genius. The gelding in the paddock next to Phinale likes to play in his water bucket and THEN nose the hot wire. I think this is self induced electro shock therapy as it seems to calm him!


Aunt Spicy said...

This is the kind of stuff you never saw on Green Acres! (That said, I have never watched that TV show, but if they ran story-lines like this it might still be on the air!) Excellent, excellent analysis of the antics on the farm!

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

Gemma is NOT guilty! I think she broke out of her area in order to chase off some bark-gnawing creature that was attacking that sycamore! Those do NOT look like her tooth marks!

And does she get thanks? NO! She gets accused of being a temptress and a wire-snapper! And all the while, the real culprit goes undetected by Dr. Botany! Poor little Gemma!!!

Mountain Woman said...

Guilty but with extenuating circumstances. A girl just has to have some fun once in a while and bark tends to be delicious in the summer.

Loved your story, loved your writing and adore all your feisty inhabitants on your compound. Horses, chickens, children, husbands, they are all unique characters.

By the way, I went out to feed my most difficult mare the other morning and the stall door was WIDE open. (That's a story for another day.) And there sat the Princess waiting for breakfast. She believes the world should come to her and has no desire to wander. Perhaps we should introduce her to Gemma.

Thanks for a great read.

Drakonis said...

I think your horse belongs to the secretive Sorority house "Alpha Gemma Oopsalong", started by a wacky Greek Trio of Equine Dryad Sirens from ancient Mythology. Or, perhaps I'm just barking up the wrong tree. My 16 year old daughter is similarly mischievous, so I am afraid that you -- as those ancient Dryads are wont to say -- "aren't out of the woods yet."

Kidding aside, VERY sorry to see the potentially fatal damage to the tree, time to girdle the other trees with chicken wire, like they do at the zoo down here?


Mammatalk said...

Guilty! But, gets off with a light sentence due to cuteness factor.

ga.farmwoman said...

Guilty, but maybe a lesser charge.
Yes, a girl just has to break free sometimes and kick up her heels.
Some of the guys are just too cute for their own good. Makes some girls change their whole life plans...Just a thought.
Great post.
Have a wonderful weekend.

Hibiscus Moon said...

So...I assume her foot's all better then? ;)

fidget said...

oh man Gemma, I'm thinking it may be a harsh sentence this time

blueviolet said...

Gemma is horny! Plus, she likes extended sessions of frivolity? I thought it was usually the female who just wants it over and done quickly. LOL

Where I got that presumption is beyond me. ;)

I'm back. The blog is up but at a different url.


MsSnarkyPants said...

LMAO Well you know...a girl's got needs...!

I'm sorry about your poor trees! The horses who were on our pasture before we moved in ate ALL the bark within reach off the trees. Most of them didn't survive the first year we were in the house.

Julia said...

Hey Yall,
Let me clarify something so there is no room for question. Alfie is a gelding and he could not possibly "have relations" with Gemma. When they meet its all about sniffing and squealing at each other.

Just so yall know this is not some horse pornography post...

The Old Gray Egg said...

I love this post. Will you be my lawyer/fence mender? Now are you up to trying to fence in a cat? Try this little challenge:

Pricilla said...

Now since I know how yummy bark tastes I don't know if I can blame her for eating the tree. I eat tree all the time. I even stand on my hind legs to eat at the tasty pine needles. I am, I suspect the only one here who feels this way but someone has to stand up for the equine so let it be the caprine!

The Mind of a Mom said...

Now how do we know it wasn't Alfie breaking Gemma out and making it look like she did it, that is such a guy thing to do :o)
So is she really guilty... LoL

Yaya said...

Hahaha! Strutting like a stripper! Dang, I've never wanted some nooky THAT bad! Lol!

Grand Pooba said...

You've presented the case and evidence very well! But how can you charge those two beautiful long faces?

mbduke said...

Great story! Despite the evidence, I'm sympathetic to Gemma. I think she was framed. Besides, she probably had a great time during her moments of freedom.

Five O'Clock Somewhere said...

Hilarious! No telling a German mare what to do. Large and in charge :-)

Jennifer said...

You are the worst prosecutor EVER!!! YOu can't make a whole case against her, and then let her plead insanity at the very last second. Have you NEVER seen an episode of Law & Order???? Geez!

Clare said...

No horses that gorgeous could be found guilty ! lol.

Thank you for a wonderful post - had me laughing til I cried.


Kirra said...

This is probably my favorite post, yet. Especially, since it includes a picture of my pretty, and definitely innocent, boy Alfie.

Although, one can't stay mad at that beautiful face.

Yarni Gras! said...

LMAO funny! I think I wet my pants. I no longer have horses ( insert BIG SAD SIGH) but my sister still does....I'll have to have her come read this. Too good!

Sharkbytes said...

The map of the crime scene is priceless! Guilty of course. They only pretend to be dumb animals.

JAN'S PLACE said...

that was absolutely precious!

I had sent a Paint mare to be bred, and she proceeded to not only open her own stall door, but appeared to be working on the release of some others in the barn, when apprehended in action of the crime..

She was a hottie, as it took one cover and she was bred!

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