Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pain is Most Tangible in its Raw Form

This has been a bad few weeks...as I have explained with the swine flu. However, things can get worse.

Over the past year good things have come my way and I have passed through happy times for which I am grateful, but it is my turn for a super-sized serving of illness, difficulty and personal sadness.

My cat, Shmobie, took a turn for the worse. He looked so much like he might pull through during the first 2 weeks of feedings, but last week he started to fall backward, irretrievable to me.

Whatever he recovered in the beginning of the treatments was no longer enough. His body was not healing or something else was definitely wrong. He started vomiting all his food and growling at me with my feeding administrations. The look of distress in his eye and the way he carried his body told me he was done.

We had to put him down today to end his suffering.

I am hopeful his spirit lives on.


As I sat crying in the kids room my consolation was Ella. While she did not quite feel the acute pain from this event like me, she took each of her five baby-sized blankets and her assortment of stuffed animals and covered me with them. One by one, she carefully layered her stuffed animals in between each of her special blankets over the top of my body.

I have walked around the house with tears streaming down my face killing flies that have come in through the front door. I smack them without heed. There are a million flies to kill and I can not exterminate them fast enough, but there is only one Shmobie cat who I did not want to go. Why do my favorite pets always die early?

My husband says I can't have any more pets because, "It's harder on you when they die, then it is to them dying." I have been told by others that I feel too much as well.


I don't know what to think with the raw pain of death and overwhelming sadness touching my nerves. Each of my animals is part of my family; I invest time and energy and emotion into them and it hurts me deeply when they are gone. How do you ever build immunity to this pain?

34 Comments for OSL:

Cheryl said...

I'm so sorry. I know how very difficult it is to make those decisions. You have to let your animal tell you when its time and be able to listen, which you did. Love and hugs to you.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my gosh! I am SO sorry! I know the pain you feel when losing a pet. They seriously are a part of your family. And what a sweet little Ella to comfort you! Time will heal.

Pricilla said...

Oh Julia, I am so very sorry. I totally empathize. Big ole cyberhugs.

It is so hard when you lose a pet; they are so a part of the family. I will say that my little Sherpa has brought me great joy after the loss of Fred. He was a shelter cat and probably would have been put down.

blueviolet said...

Julia, that made me cry. I am so terribly, terribly sorry. (((hugs))) my sweet, wonderful friend.

Mother Goose said...

There is no way to lessen the pain of losing a loved one. You can however remember that without your love, Shmobie probably would not have had the wonderful life you gave him. He certainly would have missed the love you lavished on him. In time perhaps you can be thankful that you were given the opportunity to have him in your life. My condolences.

Yaya said...

Julia I'm so sorry. :( :(

Karen said...

I am so sorry.

Ms Snarky Pants said...

Oh honey! *HUGS HUGS HUGS* I'm so very sorry! I totally understand your feelings. It's just so awful when your furry babies leave you. You can't build immunity to the pain, but would you really want to? That would mean you had to love them less when they were with you, and really what purpose would that serve. I miss each and every one of the pets I've lost over the years, and I know that when my baby girl Ninka leaves me I'll just be crushed. That doesn't mean I would want to love her any less than I do though so it was easier on me. *HUGS* I'm so so so sorry about Shmobie kitty.

Suzi said...

I had no idea until Mike came around to the garden with the Kubota. I'm sorry he died. Shmo will be missed.

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

I am so sorry Shmobie died. Gone, never forgotten.

I know it is costing you dearly in grief and agony of soul, but think what you gave to him, and how he loved you, too. You gave him a haven and love and a really good life. It takes a lot of bravery to love a little pet, because so often they will pass before we do.

He was really extra-special.

Sandy said...

I am so sorry to hear your news, what a beautiful cat. I don't know how it will be for me when it's time for our kitties to leave us. One is elderly, one has a heart defect, I know it is only a matter of time. I imagine I will react much the same, I cry hysterically over roadkill, and that's no exaggeration. I am sorry you had to say such a sad goodbye. Anyone who shares their life with a pet, understands what you are going through. I've been through it before, I do not look forward to the next time at all.

Ratty said...

I feel very bad for you. I know exactly what you are going through right now. My last dog was my favorite, and it was the hardest thing ever to see her go.

Rural Rambler said...

I am so very sorry Julia, thinking of you.

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Schmobie. I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet. I'll be thinking of you during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

my heart goes out to you- I can't believe I am here crying over a cat that I only knew for such a short time- but he was one of my all time favorite cats -anywhere!
He had a great existence- sleeping whenever/wherever... hunting squirrels and mice in the barn... free roaming and the kids treated him with much greater respect than they give to Lucky cat- no dragging Schmo around or dresing him up... :)
take all the comfort you need from Bunny, Doggie and blankets.... and if ever there was a time for a "paccer" this is it!
-Rose

Leigh said...

So sorry Julia! I also feel way too deeply for pets, often times to my own detriment. I don't think it's something that you need to change, though. It makes you who you are.

I hope everyone is feeling better and I'm so glad to hear of you being comforted by one so small. My Ella is very sensitive to my feelings, and I can picture her doing this exact thing for me. She's a blessing!

Stacie's Madness said...

{{hugs}} I am so sorry!

Anonymous said...

Oh Julia, I was so saddened to hear that Shmo is gone.
Makes me appreciate and love my Max kittie even more. You were a great cat mom to him and gave him all the best of care.

karenscarvie said...

Julia, your story has me in tears. Partly because I know what it is like to lose a beloved pet, and partly because I am so deeply touched by the big strong compassionate heart of a little girl named Ella.

Doris Sturm said...

You don't, Julia! You love them as much as you can when they are here and when they are gone, if you treated them the best you could, you have no regrets and comfort in knowing you gave them the best life possible...and you go on to another pet who needs you. It's sadder to live without them than the feel the pain when they're gone because they add so much richness to your life that, withouth them, would otherwise be empty and shallow.
My dog is getting on in years and I cry, just thinking about him being gone one day - I make him promise me every day to live a very long time because, God help me, I'm more attached to him than vice versa, at least so I think sometimes...he IS my life. I have nobody else nearby. I live alone and he is my pal, my buddy...my friend!
Cry it out and when you're done morning, give your other animals all the love you can and you'll be alright. I am sorry for your loss and hope you will be feeling better soon.

Hugs,
Doris

Clare said...

I am so, so sorry Julia. We lost Lucy cat in May at the grand old age of 18, so we got Henry 'the twin'. He'll never replace Lucycat but he's his own personality.

It's so hard to lose members of our families, whether they have two legs or four.

Huge hugs from the UK.

Clare
xxxx

Life Ramblings said...

my deepest condolences for the loss of your pet, Julia.

Captain Dumbass said...

Sorry to hear about all your trouble, Julia. I don't think you ever build up an immunity to that pain. I know I'll never own a dog again because of it.

Hope you're all getting better.

jane augenstein said...

So sorry to hear that you have been so sick and now the loss of your beautiful kitty! I am so very sorry he is gone; I know how much you loved him and how hard you worked to bring him back when he was sick. My thoughts are with you....hugs
Jane

Kritter Keeper said...

my dear bloggy buddy, your pain will be soften with time. i am just like you. these animals are so dear and so special and you were so good to try so hard and give such dedicated loving care. people like you are such gifts to the world. i wish all of humanity behaved in such a way. prayers to you and a big hug! byw, little ella is such an angel! i am glad your animal loving genes have passed to her...

Sharkbytes said...

Oh Julia... I really do understand. Don't know if you were a reader of my blog back when I wrote about the 10th anniversary of the death of Chips. If so, you know that I know. There really isn't any hope of filling the hole that those special ones leave. The edges get a little less raw in time, but I can cry at the drop of a hat for Chips or my first Butchy Boy, or Hezekiah. I'm so glad Ella wants to help comfort you. Hang in there, friend.

Frogs in my formula said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Ella was so sweet with her blankets--I hope that brought you some comfort. Hang in there.

the ungourmet said...

I don't think you are supposed to build immunity. I think it's part of life to fully feel every human emotion. It's actually a blessing that you have it within you to do this, not everyone can.

I am sorry you are having to go through this right now. Your daughter was so precious and sweet to try and ease your pain the way she did.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

Sara said...

I'm so sad for your loss. :( It doesn't get easier. We just love the next one with as much love as we have to give. I still cry about Daisy. And while it is tempting to get another, we just haven't. I can't. I loved Daisy so much. Schmobie is in a good place. Love little Ella for trying to make momma feel better. What a sweetie!

Vixen said...

Part of what makes you who you are is your sense of empathy and the deep love you feel for your pets. I recognize it, because I have it too.

We cannot hope to build up immunity to this pain, because to do so would change what we feel for them and their place in our lives and, I know I wouldn't want to change that even if it meant never having to feel this pain again.

My heart aches with yours. Much love to you.

San-Dee said...

oh, Julia, my heart is with you. I'm crying tears with you. let your family take care of you.
xxooxx

Mountain Woman of Red Pine Mountain said...

It's never easy to say goodbye and the emptiness always lingers. It changes form but it's always there. My two retrievers are now 12 and 13 and I look at them every day and know I'll be saying goodbye in the not too distant future. I still miss my newfies who have gone before.
It's just so darn difficult.
I'm glad Ella is there to comfort you.

Jennifer MacNeill-Traylor said...

In answer to your last question... never. I am so sorry for your loss. :(

DayPhoto said...

I found the entry! Julia I'm so sorry. Losing our animal friends is very hard. They really are part of our lives and they bring with them a love the is unconditional. I"m glad you got Bingo and I'm glad you wrote a story about him.

My heart hurts for you. My heart also rejoices.

Linda

http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com/