My Husband is Strange

My husband is known to say some outrageous thing but tonight was a doozie. I really need to start carrying around one of those mini digital voice recorders so I can get some of our conversations down exactly because I don't think you folks out there would believe what I have to put up with sometimes.

No really, I exaggerate not.

While sauntering out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth Mike says, "Twaaaa...Twaaa." Acting sort of like a peacock with his bare chest exposed. Mind you he was wearing jeans. (This is after all a PG rated site.)

Seated at the couch with laptop in hand, I'm all, "WTF is that about. That's not even a word." I am used to his senseless banter. He likes to say anything to get a rise out of me. He takes it to a sporting level... I always try to maintain my impartiality with his attacks and I wanted to finish my work on the computer.

I am like Data on Startrek: Next Generation, blank face, no expression. I wish I could do the pasty white skin but on a moments notice it is just not possible...

Unphased he struts over to me with all of his 6 ft tall, 160 lb body, and while rubbing his almost hairless chest says, "Don't you like my man breasts? I think they're growing some hairs around them. Do you want to suck my nipples???"

I am strait faced. Basically mute. Any response to his statements is encouragement. But then again sometimes when he gets no response he ups the ante. So I'm thinking, "What to do...What to do."

"You barely have three chest hairs to rub together, so how could you possibly have nipple hairs now?" Unfortunately, I said this. Do not play the game I told myself. I needed to shut up quickly.

He goes on, "You know there are many women out there who would love this kind of attention."

I respond cooly, "You've been watching too much of the 'MANswers' on Spike TV again haven't you. I need to program the DVR to block that damned show..." Then I recalled that I heard the "Manly" commentator with the football announcer voice talking about the Australian Navy paying for breast augmentation for their female soldiers while I was doing my best to tune out the program... I need to start wearing ear plugs or other OSHA approved hearing protection while we're sharing the same space. It's no wonder he's thinking about breasts, but his own nipple hairs????

"You're just cold as a witches teat, my dear and loving wife of many years," he banters back undaunted.

"You know I have a weapon in my lap right now." I pull out my ace of spades since this was looking like an emergency situation. But then I was treading on dangerous grounds. "I'm gonna start writing this on my blog."

"Well if you post this the ladies may just start chasing me down now won't they," he responds with a charming smile. Then he throws in, "You know, (long pause) I think the tooth whitening toothpaste I bought is really starting to work too."

"Please, please just go to bed." I respond with maintained neutrality.

At this point he migrates into our bedroom. Lights out and silence ensue.

Poker face and high card, I won this game of cards tonight.