Friday, February 6, 2009

My Husband is Strange

My husband is known to say some outrageous thing but tonight was a doozie. I really need to start carrying around one of those mini digital voice recorders so I can get some of our conversations down exactly because I don't think you folks out there would believe what I have to put up with sometimes.

No really, I exaggerate not.

While sauntering out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth Mike says, "Twaaaa...Twaaa." Acting sort of like a peacock with his bare chest exposed. Mind you he was wearing jeans. (This is after all a PG rated site.)

Seated at the couch with laptop in hand, I'm all, "WTF is that about. That's not even a word." I am used to his senseless banter. He likes to say anything to get a rise out of me. He takes it to a sporting level... I always try to maintain my impartiality with his attacks and I wanted to finish my work on the computer.

I am like Data on Startrek: Next Generation, blank face, no expression. I wish I could do the pasty white skin but on a moments notice it is just not possible...

Unphased he struts over to me with all of his 6 ft tall, 160 lb body, and while rubbing his almost hairless chest says, "Don't you like my man breasts? I think they're growing some hairs around them. Do you want to suck my nipples???"

I am strait faced. Basically mute. Any response to his statements is encouragement. But then again sometimes when he gets no response he ups the ante. So I'm thinking, "What to do...What to do."

"You barely have three chest hairs to rub together, so how could you possibly have nipple hairs now?" Unfortunately, I said this. Do not play the game I told myself. I needed to shut up quickly.

He goes on, "You know there are many women out there who would love this kind of attention."

I respond cooly, "You've been watching too much of the 'MANswers' on Spike TV again haven't you. I need to program the DVR to block that damned show..." Then I recalled that I heard the "Manly" commentator with the football announcer voice talking about the Australian Navy paying for breast augmentation for their female soldiers while I was doing my best to tune out the program... I need to start wearing ear plugs or other OSHA approved hearing protection while we're sharing the same space. It's no wonder he's thinking about breasts, but his own nipple hairs????

"You're just cold as a witches teat, my dear and loving wife of many years," he banters back undaunted.

"You know I have a weapon in my lap right now." I pull out my ace of spades since this was looking like an emergency situation. But then I was treading on dangerous grounds. "I'm gonna start writing this on my blog."

"Well if you post this the ladies may just start chasing me down now won't they," he responds with a charming smile. Then he throws in, "You know, (long pause) I think the tooth whitening toothpaste I bought is really starting to work too."

"Please, please just go to bed." I respond with maintained neutrality.

At this point he migrates into our bedroom. Lights out and silence ensue.

Poker face and high card, I won this game of cards tonight.

20 Comments for OSL:

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

I couldn't be happier to have your address! I have been waiting for a peacockish man, with about 3 chest hairs, that is sprouting baby nipple hairs who uses whitening toothpaste. I always thought he wasn't out there. And just in time for Valentine's day! Can you send him in my box, pretty please?!
WTF is right. How could you not piss yourself laughing!

nipsy said...

OOOhhhhhh, I so get this game. I have yet to win a round with "the man". I'm still trying though, I refuse to give in.

Mrs. {Erin} Cox said...

We play a similar game around here! How funny!! I've won a few battles going toe to toe, sometimes he just sucks me right in to his craziness and I have to comment. But it's worth it when I do shut him up ;) LOL

Suzi said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! I so feel for you and his craziness. I guess I should feel flattered when he offers to let me stroke his nipples and request that I lick them. You are in for a long long journey with him. So glad his brother is much more tame. I will have to pay attention to our next "odd ball" conversation.

Tink said...

I almost peed myself when I read so not a mom-a-licious comment.You guys are funny

a.k.a. Emma said...

I know--tonight, copy him, word for word, act for act. See what response you get, and post that in the next blog!

DiPaola Momma said...

Holy crap, my dad must have a son WE didn't know about.. LMAO but my dad used to do these things. The first time my parents came to visit I was worried my hubby would come down stairs to my Da play guitar in his tighty (well actually saggy) whities!!! Live long and prosper my cool as a cucumber andriod lady:) Thaks for the invite over here.. I think I'll come back again... who knows what he'll be up to next.. visions of Gene Hackman in The Bird Cage!

Amanda said...

Well I can say that despite the fact that my husband have a full chest of hair (and I by that I mean an overabundance of hair) I think our husbands are soul mates! That could be happening in our home right now.
Men!!!Good for you for winning the battle though. After the silence I would so have been laughing!

Julia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julia said...

It is such a relief to know I am not alone on an Island of Despair in my home and that there are many other Islands of Women in Hell out there too.

The Mind of a Mom said...

Oh my husband does these things too! He had one grey chest hair right near his neck as he stood there admiring it in the mirror doors she says ~ Come here baby your man is sophisticate now and the lady's are not going to be able to resist me much long! My only reply to him was just remember I get half your stuff... LoL ~ It stopped his non-sense on the spot, this time! :o)

Yaya said...

OMG! This is hilarious!!! Thanks for the glimpse into your marriage! Lol!

Nicole said...

Bwahahahaha! That's hilarious! Don't feel too bad--I have one at home to--eerily similar in his spectacles :)

Frogs in my formula said...

Nicole said it perfectly: Bwahahahaha! What a scene you paint. and I like the mental games going on here. Hilarious!

I'm always threatening to blog about stuff my husband does. So much so that he referred to himself as my muse. Bwahahahaha!

Michelle said...

Oh my gosh, this was so funny. I don't know how you kept a straight face. I would of been rolling on the floor and laughing. Good for you. My hubby has the same type of humor. He's always trying to get a rise out of me. Which he usually does. LOL! Thanks so much for the the chuckle today.

Julia said...

Holy S-bomb. Is this a secret man's conspiracy. I guess living with the same guy for countless years I have no other men for comparison. It appears he is perfectly normal by the comments you ladies are leaving.

blueviolet said...

I hear that same kind of nonsense over here on a daily basis too and like you, I do my best to pretend it's not happening.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh. My. God.

That is friggin hillarious! Are you kidding? Without husbands, we wouldn't have any blog material would we?

Mountain Woman said...

Life at your house must never, ever be dull.

Just Me said...

That is just too funny. There is a friend of mine whom I can just see having this exact kind of conversation with her hubby. You guys would probably really get along. Your poor hubby and his little chest hairs...