Those Things That Wake Me Up At Night

"Hey, what's that," the husband said to his slumbering wife with some urgency. There was no response so he shoved her a little, "What is that sound, Honey?"

The wife sleeps with earplugs. She is a highly sensitive sleeper. Sudden noises awaken her instantly. With her beloved purple earplugs filling her ear canals she is capable of achieving a deep state of happy sleep.

Slowly awakening with leaded eyelids, the wife regains consciousness and listens for the briefest of moments. She is the expert on sounds. She can hear church mice fart. She can hear the faint scratch of a cat's paw on the sliding glass door. She can hear the sound of a child's foot hit the ground down the hallway. Sounds are what she is good at.

Even though not fully awake she knew what he was asking,"It's a raccoon eating the cat food. They are noisy eaters, Dear. They smack. I can't believe that woke you up," the wife replies after her 5 second analysis. The indelicate noise of crunching and munching can be heard through the screen of their open sliding glass door.

The husband sleeps like the living dead. He was given the gift of sleep. Normally, it takes blood curdling sirens to rouse him from his slumber. He sets three alarm clocks to be sure he will wake up for early morning work. This is in spite of his wife's adamant protestation that one alarm will wake her with earplugs, and that she would wake him if the one alarm does not do the job for him. But he will not listen to her irrational prattling. Three alarms are required.

The husband and wife fall back to sleep after this first mystery of the night was solved.

Some time later the wife sits up in bed and whispers loudly, "Holy Crap!! What the fuck is that racket?" She sits for a moment listening intently to the high pitched screaming countered with low based growling that has woken her up. This second awakening is not welcomed by the wife. Meanwhile, the husband snores uninterrupted on his side of the bed. For maybe twenty seconds she carefully triangulates on the unearthly noise. It sounds like the devil has come for a visit to torture the little creatures on earth. Something is being eviscerated, or so it seems. She knows what it is and where they are located.

Walking toward the kitchen the wife takes matters into her own hands. She grabs the yellow handled kitchen broom and opens the front door handle slowly. The ghoulish howling does not cease as she turns on the porch light. The noise is coming from a location approximately 200 feet away in front of the work shop.

Wearing a t-shirt, shorts and crocks, armed with a common kitchen broom, the wife is about to confront the enemy. Walking toward the noise she is amazed that it has not ceased with her approach. The crackling of rocks beneath her feet does nothing to alarm them. They are too preoccupied to notice the towering figure nearing their battle ground.

Then the wife sees them. It is a large ball of gray fur moving curiously on the ground. They are the source of the evil nocturnal symphony. Two 40 lb raccoons were locked in mortal combat and were rolling just slightly as one animal chewed or clawed more aggressively at the other. The quivering mass of fur shook strangely under the moonless night.

With weapon raised over her head, the wife swung hard contacting the mass of teeth and claws with the broom bristles. She is a warrior too. A staunch defender of the sleep zone. She wants no more petty bickering from the critters of the land. The wife lifted the broom again willing it to come smashing down on the black masked vermin.

The raccoons split from each other scrambling furiously to avoid her. One ran into the shop. One ran around the north end of the building dragging it's back end behind it. And the sound of silence once again filled the air with joy. The crickets could be heard chirping their soft and repeating serenade in unison. Ahhhh...

The wife could now go back to bed. Her work was done.

One may ask, where was the husband during this encounter?

Answer: He was safely ensconced under his warm down comforter on his side of the bed.

Go figure.