Monday, July 27, 2009

Those Things That Wake Me Up At Night

"Hey, what's that," the husband said to his slumbering wife with some urgency. There was no response so he shoved her a little, "What is that sound, Honey?"

The wife sleeps with earplugs. She is a highly sensitive sleeper. Sudden noises awaken her instantly. With her beloved purple earplugs filling her ear canals she is capable of achieving a deep state of happy sleep.

Slowly awakening with leaded eyelids, the wife regains consciousness and listens for the briefest of moments. She is the expert on sounds. She can hear church mice fart. She can hear the faint scratch of a cat's paw on the sliding glass door. She can hear the sound of a child's foot hit the ground down the hallway. Sounds are what she is good at.

Even though not fully awake she knew what he was asking,"It's a raccoon eating the cat food. They are noisy eaters, Dear. They smack. I can't believe that woke you up," the wife replies after her 5 second analysis. The indelicate noise of crunching and munching can be heard through the screen of their open sliding glass door.

The husband sleeps like the living dead. He was given the gift of sleep. Normally, it takes blood curdling sirens to rouse him from his slumber. He sets three alarm clocks to be sure he will wake up for early morning work. This is in spite of his wife's adamant protestation that one alarm will wake her with earplugs, and that she would wake him if the one alarm does not do the job for him. But he will not listen to her irrational prattling. Three alarms are required.

The husband and wife fall back to sleep after this first mystery of the night was solved.

Some time later the wife sits up in bed and whispers loudly, "Holy Crap!! What the fuck is that racket?" She sits for a moment listening intently to the high pitched screaming countered with low based growling that has woken her up. This second awakening is not welcomed by the wife. Meanwhile, the husband snores uninterrupted on his side of the bed. For maybe twenty seconds she carefully triangulates on the unearthly noise. It sounds like the devil has come for a visit to torture the little creatures on earth. Something is being eviscerated, or so it seems. She knows what it is and where they are located.

Walking toward the kitchen the wife takes matters into her own hands. She grabs the yellow handled kitchen broom and opens the front door handle slowly. The ghoulish howling does not cease as she turns on the porch light. The noise is coming from a location approximately 200 feet away in front of the work shop.

Wearing a t-shirt, shorts and crocks, armed with a common kitchen broom, the wife is about to confront the enemy. Walking toward the noise she is amazed that it has not ceased with her approach. The crackling of rocks beneath her feet does nothing to alarm them. They are too preoccupied to notice the towering figure nearing their battle ground.

Then the wife sees them. It is a large ball of gray fur moving curiously on the ground. They are the source of the evil nocturnal symphony. Two 40 lb raccoons were locked in mortal combat and were rolling just slightly as one animal chewed or clawed more aggressively at the other. The quivering mass of fur shook strangely under the moonless night.

With weapon raised over her head, the wife swung hard contacting the mass of teeth and claws with the broom bristles. She is a warrior too. A staunch defender of the sleep zone. She wants no more petty bickering from the critters of the land. The wife lifted the broom again willing it to come smashing down on the black masked vermin.

The raccoons split from each other scrambling furiously to avoid her. One ran into the shop. One ran around the north end of the building dragging it's back end behind it. And the sound of silence once again filled the air with joy. The crickets could be heard chirping their soft and repeating serenade in unison. Ahhhh...

The wife could now go back to bed. Her work was done.

One may ask, where was the husband during this encounter?

Answer: He was safely ensconced under his warm down comforter on his side of the bed.

Go figure.

19 Comments for OSL:

Suzi said...

It cracks me up that both Jeff and Mike send the women on the mission of finding the noise that lurks in the night. Jeff is the same way. I don't know how many times I have been jostled awake and asked to investigate for him.

xashee's corner said...

you have a WONDERFUL way of writing! and i LOVE your sense of humor that shines through! :) thank you for sharing the morning smiles! have a GREAT day! :D

MObugs said...

I don't know when the last time was I laughed so hard or related so much to a story in my life. I too was blessed with hearing so acute that I can hear a cricket chirp in the far reaches of the basement with the door closed. I cannot tell you how often I am the one up in the wee hours, wielding some make-shift weapon, chasing off some nighttime critter bent on robbing me of sleep. My husband can sleep through noises that would normally wake the dead.I crawl back into bed, having dealt with the blasted interloper,to hear him snoring like a grizzly completely unaware I was even gone.

Sara said...

I love the "She is warrior"!

It sounds a bit like my night minus the screeching raccoons. Mine was death diarhea and crying kids. Jon slept thru it all. :/

The Blonde Duck said...

Popped in from SITS to say hi! See, I sleep like the husband in this story. :)

Pricilla said...

Awwww, poor raccoons. You need to set out two bowls of food. It will stop the war.

heh heh.


heh heh heh heh heh

Julia said...

Suzi-Our husbands are lacking something aren't they?

Xanshee-Thanks thanks!!!

Mobugs-I am so glad that I am not alone in this light sleep world I live in. We must battle the night!!

Sara-You are a warrior too. My kids have IT right now too. I had to pull the car over yesterday for an emergency #2.

TBD-Thanks for visiting :)

Pricilla-I never thought I would have to say this but YOU ARE EVIL. (today) ;)

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

Oh honey, not only did you say a bad, bad word, but you hit those poor raccoons! Gracious! Remind me never to make you mad! Armed, dangerous, and sleep-deprived is NOT a good combination!

Leigh said...

AWESOME!! We're plagued with coyotes here that come and harass our dogs all hours of the night. They are curiously easy to wound but hard to kill.

Cheryl said...

I worship at the feet of the warrior queen who vanquishes the evil racoons! Cheryl

karenscarvie said...

Julia, you can create a yarn and pictures-in-the-mind out of just about anything. I positively love your stuff!

Mountain Woman said...

Great story. I can see you the mighty defender of the sleep zone, broom in hand, waiting to take on the masked intruders. I loved the visual.

It's the reverse here, I sleep snoring away all night and MM is constantly awake.

Stacie's Madness said...

holy cow...you are brave...I probably would have hit the hubby with the broom and made him go investigate.

Anonymous said...

JULIA!! Have you never seen a Friday the 13th movie!! Never go to the shed alone!
My cat brought something in last night... she likes to drop live lizards or birds through the doggie door and then sits back to watch Oscar dog chase the critter... since John is away I got up to deal with it... and couldn't find anything...
Somewhere lurking in my house is a critter of some kind... both pets lose interest pretty easily so they are not sniffing it out....
rg

San-Dee said...

get the husband a shaker alarm that vibrates his pillow and the noise shouldn't walk you-that's what my family did because they were tired of my 2 alarms that I usually slept through...

EL said...

Wow - you're brave. I would have been afraid they would have attacked me too! lol ... i'm a wimp when it comes to wild animals! i grew up in the country but i hated the wild animal part! UGH.

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

I'm so happy to know that I am not the only one who sleeps with earplugs. While yours is because of loud nature critters, mine is fom loud building dwelling critters....like my big fat mouthed SIL who has to be loud at all hours of the night like it's vacation time.

Uhm, there's a skunk that lives in my hood...does he count for anything. Although he's pretty quite. Smelly, but quite.

Yaya said...

Raccoons can be so noisy!

Aunt Spicy said...

Um...am I the only one who learns lessons from horror movies? You never go outside at night to investigate. Geeesh, there could have been a horrible creature out there!